Coffee: The life blood of a Deli employee

While I was at work tonight I was speaking with a guy I've known for years. I went to school with his brother and sister, his brother being a few years older than I and his sister around my age. While were were talking the topic of his school came up. You see he goes to collage upstate and whenever a semester ends or he has a long vacation he comes home and works at the store. We somehow came upon the ideal of me going to collage and about how DCC is not only close but rather cheap as well. I thought about it then half jokingly remarked about how I could go but wouldn't know what to take.

It was here that the epiphany of why I wasn't already taking some sort of collage course hit me. I said that I wanted to go, and it's true. I would like to farther my education and develop into some field of study. One question quickly appeared in my head as I thought of this:

'But what if I move next year like planned?'

This question was it, my revelation, my epiphany. In the past four years I've been saying the same thing. 'Next year I may move out of this state for good.' Four years later and here I sit. A job that I only earn 16K a year and my only sign of education a G.E.D. certificate that hangs on my refrigerator. For so long now I've wanted to farther my mind with more than just trivial crap that wont earn me a better job or at least a raise. For over four years there have been chances I've let slip right through my fingers because of that question. Because of that question I have failed to better myself as a human and have practically wasted part of my life.

When the realization of how much of a waste my life has been hit it hurt. It hurts to know that a single question has ruled my life, my decisions, and has prevented me from becoming a better person. However with this hurt and realization comes the epiphany that no one is stopping myself but me. No one can tell me I cannot father my education in order to gain a better job later down the line. I can work the mornings, take night courses, better myself physically and mentally, and socialize with people. This is nothing more than a recipe for a better person, one who is determined to not spend his entire life as a drone with no future in the same grocery store.

I think I shall take a business course. That's a fair place to start off as it will open up many opportunities even within my own company. As for that question... I shall not allow it to ruin my life any longer. If I do one day actually move then I shall move with a better education and a higher ability to find a good job.

A good number of times when insomnia kicks in and doesn't let me sleep I end up doing nothing. I simply lay in bed and stare up at a black ceiling, waiting for my restless mind to calm down so I can sleep. When I do this I end up getting less than 3 hours sleep in a given night, reason being that when I finally do fall asleep I end up waking back up every hour then trying to fall back asleep.

Sometimes though, approximately one out of every five times I have insomnia, I'll do something different. I'll come to the living room, light my candle, then meditate. While this does allow me to fall asleep it unfortunately leads me to revelations about my life which I don't like. The last three times I've meditated lead me to three huge revelations.

The first: That I need to let go. Holding on is leading my mental health on a downward spiral.
The second: ...
The third: My job, which I detest so much, is the only thing that is keeping my mind from breaking, keeping me from going insane from desolation and despair. I suppose I should thank that pitiful excuse for a job.

With the third revelation something... Clicked. I shouldn't be like that. My job should not be the only thing keeping my unstable mind from cracking. This led me back to my first revelation, about letting go. After talking with Amy a little about my mental state it sort of clicked.

I'm in a bad place. My physical health is bad but my mental health is worse. I want to fix both but before I can truly fix my physical body I need to repair my mind. In order to do that I need to let go. Not of just one thing but of everything.

Of the illusion of control.
Of the delusions of hope.
Of the prospect of something that I know shall never come.
Of the dream that has long died.
Of the envy and jealousy.
Of the wrath and animosity.


I wish to no longer be... Broken so I've decided to change myself. My physical health will be easier as I've already started by eating much healthier foods such as fruits, veggies, and low calorie items. My mental health will be more of a challenge but I believe I'll be able to do it.

The road I have laid before myself is long, winding, and full of bumps. I can see not the end, nor do I know what lays there. I know not if by taking this road I shall be a better person or not. What I do know is that I need this for if I continue to live in this desolation and depression, mind filled with wrath and envy, then I will end up pushing anyone who care away before destroying myself completely.


I guess in the end this is nothing more than my own deceleration.

I'm a total smart-ass and at times a royal asshole. I warn people about this ahead of time, many times, in the hopes that they wont be completely in awe when they say something stupid, annoying, or anything that just makes me shake my head in disbelief. Reason being if someone does say something to such an extent I quickly come up with a quip that causes them to stumble in their words.

A good case and point would be this evening after I had gotten off from work. I stuck around, hanging out with a few of the stock boys ( They treated to dinner. Who'm I to refuse? ). As I was ready to leave I came out of the backroom and ran into another employee who was in civilian clothes. This is the conversation that took place.

Her: "Hey Chris."
Me: "Yo." ( At this point I raise my hand in a half wave and start walking away. )
Her: "Hey! You don't know who I am?"
Me: ( After stopping in my tracks I turn around and walk up to her. ) "I know you? Really?"
Her: "Oh haha."
Me: "Hey! I do know you! Oh god you look so familiar. I know I know you. Oh what is your name again? It's on the tip of my tongue."
Her: "Yes, yes. Very funny."
Me: "Oh it's just going to bug me all night. You look SO familiar."
Her: "You ass."
Me: "Indeed. But I have repeatedly warned you that I'm a smart-ass."
Her: "True. So are you working?"

We then struck a small conversation, to which I continued to make fun of her, then parted ways. I walked around a bit more then started to leave, whereupon I ran into her again commenting on how she looked so very familiar and her name was on the tip of my tongue still. And next time I see her working I'm again going to make fun of her. Such a cute girl she is but damn... So lacking in the common sense she be. As such it's so much fun to mess with her head.

Seriously though people need to think before they speak sometimes.

More and more I've been coming to terms that I care very little when people die. This first thought arrived almost a month ago when my mother told me ( While I was at work. ) that a few years back my old babysitter's husband died then a few weeks after that her daughter died. My response was a shrug of my shoulders and a 'That sucks.' This cause the person whom I was working with at the time to look at me and yell about how something like that doesn't just suck and how I'm a cold bastard.

Then there's the big news of this town. Friday night, somewhere between 8:00pm and 11:00pm a 16 year old girl slammed her car into a tree and died. Saturday morning I heard about this at work since two friends of the family came up to me and asked for platters for a gathering. My response on Saturday: Sucks to be her.

Sunday we had to do another platter for another gathering. Again my response was still 'sucks'. Monday my mother and step-father were talking about it to which my response changed to 'the stupid die first.'

Today two more platters went out for the same girl, this time it was my old school ( And her school ) who was holding the gathering. Again, my response to this whole thing changed and I said to the guy I was working with 'Well if the dumb bitch hadn't been speeding she wouldn't have slammed into a tree and killed herself. This is nothing more than natural selection at it's finest.'




I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Just... Just...

Dear god the explosions...

Customer: "Can I have a pound of Turkey-Ham?"

Me: "Sure thing."

Moron Co-Worker: "Uh we're out of that."

Me: "Huh?"

MC-W: "We're out of it. I was looking for it yesterday."

Me: "..." -Points to the unopened Turkey-Ham sitting on the edge of a shelf.- "Erm.. It's right there."

MC-W: "Huh? Where? I didn't find any Turkey-Pastrami over there..."

Me: "...she wants Turkey-Ham"

MC-W: "Huh? Oh.."

Me: -While grabbing the product.- "It's okay man, you're an idiot. I understand this. You just need to accept it and everything will be fine."

MC-W: -After 30 seconds starts laughing.- "Oh haha. Funny."

Me: "...moron."

As I came home from work I noticed something off when I pulled into my driveway. Just one thing. Little thing. It's a normal summer thing. But when I saw it I thought 'worst case scenario'. As such, upon shutting the car off I snuck into my own home where, after silently unlocking, opening, closing, then relocking my door I immediately took off nearly all my clothes and silently moved into the living room.

I grabbed the first of many hidden weapons I have around my house and sat down on the floor. In the darkness. Not making a single sound. Waiting.

15 minutes passed and after nothing happened I calculated that if someone was in my home they would have attacked by now or made the slightest of movement. As such I turned on the lights, did a sweep, and found nothing.

The thing that was off? The outside door was open. My landlord probably left it open to let the cool night air in knowing I'd be home late tonight. And yet the only thing still running through my mind? 'I need to start carrying my knife on me again.'

Fuck me I am fucked up.

After the first ten minutes: '...is this really a sad movie? It's shaping up to be a horror movie...'
After the first hour: '...well that was creepy as hell. But okay.'
After the second hour: 'Well that was.. Okay. I guess.'
After 2,000 years pass: 'Hah! Um.. Right. Okay. Next?'
After 'Aliens' pass by: '...dude.'
After the credits roll: 'I want my 2 1/2 hours back! >_<'

Work.. Blarg. I have today, tomorrow and Tuesday off. As well as Thursday and Friday. Only working two days this week, ten hours total. Why such low hours you may ask? Simple!

Some dick-wad asshole 'customer' decided send a compliant to one of the owners of the store. Here's what I supposedly did. First, while I was alone, I was missing for ten minutes. Finally I came out of the cooler with a chicken box then, without changing gloves, 'helped' this person with raw chicken covered gloves. After their first order I changed my gloves but between each of this persons order, I went into the back room to eat. Finally to top it all off, I was extremely rude and sarcastic to said customer as they left.

As such, the higher ups wanted me fired. Luckily for me the store manager went to bat for me. She just knocked a firing down to a three day suspension. Though she even admitted that since who ever sent in the letter didn't leave a name or way to contact them, as well as the fact that there was no proof that I did any of those things ( Which I didn't. ._.; ), I couldn't be fired.

:D I think Lesly [Store Manager] knows I'm not like those idiot cashiers. Had I been fired over this, I would have brought down upon that store a shit storm of legal problems the likes they had never seen before.

Though seeing as Lesly said if I have any vacation time it'll be used so I get some hours this week, I'm treating this 'suspension' like a mini vacation.

I'm tired. Exhausted mentally, spiritually, and physically. So much so that at this point, my filter is gone. You know, that filter that holds everyone back from saying the truth of things because of some reason. Mine is like my mental state. Poof.

Some bed rest tonight will help get my body back to being fine, but it'll take a lot more to help my mind. And to be honest, I have no real idea as to what will help me out of this state.

Work sucks. Pulling a ten hour shift on Saturday which caused me to close at 9:00, then turn around and be back to work 11 hours later for another ten hour shift today. Tack on an 8 1/2 hour shift Friday, and it's easy to see why I was a zombie today. Only upside to this is I'll be getting a fairly good check for the next two weeks.

My personal life... Is non existent. It's sad. My shitty, no good, dead end, low paying job is my only life. I come home to an empty house which, after a while, starts to have an effect. Hell right now I'm so fucking depressed and exhausted that when I go to sleep, I wont care if I wake up tomorrow. Now when I start to think those kinds of thoughts, I know something is terribly wrong with me again.

Bah. Writing this down isn't making me feel any better like I thought it might.